I Survive The Storm And Here Is How I Did It (By Syireen R)
In the quiet moments of solitude, amidst the echoes of shattered dreams, I spent my childhood accompanied by a little penguin toy that quips when I pressed on the rubber button and followed as I tug it behind me alone in a big house on a hill.
My mother goes to work, and my extended family ignored my very existence. I am fed only what my mother cooked for me and left to hunger until she returned.
Perhaps life was much better from their lenses but in my fractured memories resides a story of loneliness, fed fear, overwhelming sadness which brewed resilience and redemption in my quiet corner of a darkened room down below the mansion.
This is a story of a soul forged in the crucible of adversity, of a heart scarred by the flames of loss and betrayal, yet still beating with unwavering strength and hope.
It is the story of I, a survivor, a child born amidst backbiting, petty quarrels and bittersweet discrimination who grew up with a heart wrapped in steel and a roar of a lion.
Born into a world where love was a fragile illusion and stability a distant dream, I learned early on to navigate the treacherous waters of a broken home but raised in a house populated by young aunts and uncles out to make it on their own in the vast world of individualism.
With a father absent in body and a mother absent in time, I found myself adrift in a sea of uncertainty cloaked by imaginary friends cooked up to keep me safe. There were alternative worlds I visited where I was the magical princess who could turn ugly into beauty, the powerful warrior who could save the underserved and bring them light - clinging desperately to the fragments of a childhood I read possible in between pages. I used to read a lot of Enid Blyton books. My world was swept away by her words that eased me for a while before darkness returned. Amidst the chaos and turmoil, there burned within me a flicker of resilience, a spark of defiance that refused to be extinguished. I was going to grow up and conquer the world. I was going to be Wonder Woman.
I grew up and I remembered my teachers calling me rebel. My employer calling me a loose cannon. Peers calling me stubborn and bratty. Management calling me a loser and underperforming. Everything was a trade-off and actions were often tit for tat.
I struggled to be in front and finding myself constantly shoved into a corner or locked in “cold storages” because I was too opinionated. “Why can’t she just tow the line?”. The cycle was a vicious unending madness. As the years passed and the wounds of my past continued to haunt me, I felt the world was walled in and everyone was against me…I couldn’t win. I couldn’t be seen nor heard…my head often screamed WHY!!! Yet, I forged ahead with a quiet determination, determined to carve out a life of meaning and purpose despite the odds that seemed to be stacked against me.
I worked hard! I did everything I could. But just as I began to find my footing, “Murphy” decided to visit and turned my life topsy turvy with poor business decisions and misplaced trust. My hard work reputation and everything I toiled for was torn apart by cruel whispers, unfounded assumptions, and multi-fold backstabbing.
With nothing left to my name or my bank account, I found myself plunged into a darkness deeper than any I had ever known. Grief became my constant companion, a heavy burden weighing down my weary soul. But even in my darkest moments, I decided to refuse to surrender to despair, drawing strength from the memories of that young child playing with the little penguin, writing poetries alone in her room, singing to herself to sleep and comforting her hunger by sleeping along the corridors so I could see my mother’s car parked to mark that my only saviour was home. My young self was fuelled with resilience…she knew how to stay strong, no matter what came her way.
I picked up myself and set intentions to live a life designed uniquely carved for me. I learned to make declarations and trusted the process. I learned that everything I wanted is within my reach. I learned that time is my friend. I learned that every decade marks a milestone. I trusted HIM and I trusted HE had a better plan for me. I left it all to HIM and I kept in motion.
Today, I am a mother to four and the challenges is no less hefty because life is never a bed of roses. Your blood, especially, despite your best efforts to guide and nurture will remain the individual they are cut out to be. Some, coming home to colour your life and some will stubbornly resist. Some is stuck to you like a wet spandex and the others would be a distant figure lost in the shadows of their own turmoil. It is a heart-wrenching reminder that all we are is human and in “control” of only OUR will and destiny, with none over others. Some wounds that are born out of family cuts deeper than any physical pain - but after half a century living and learning, adversity needs to be faced head on. I refuse to be defeated.
With unwavering resolve, I continuously embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing, confronting my demons face-to-face and emerging stronger and more resilient than ever before. It is never an easy journey, but I have seen that each step forward takes me to a new destination filled with exhilarating new adventure and learning experiences. None ever so easy but always with sweat endings. I learned to embrace my scars as badges of honour, symbols of the battles I had fought and the victories I had won. Some uglier than I would’ve liked them to be…and I wear them anyway.
And so, I stand today as a testament to the power of the human spirit, a reflection that hope is not a disillusionment but a light at the end of every tunnel we find ourselves in. And for all who dare to dream in the face of despair - will achieve exactly what they work for. My story serves as a reminder that no matter how dark the night may seem, there is always a glimmer of light on the horizon, waiting to guide us home. For me, the journey is far from over, but with each step forward, I move closer to finding the peace and redemption I feel I so richly deserve.
My mother has aged. My father has died. My children are starting their journey in life and I am starting the next phase of mine. It will always be a journey. How we live it is and will always be by our design. If I had chosen to be a victim of the overwhelming sadness and believed the world is against me - I would never have taken a step forward. But because I did take that first step by wanting change and plucking the courage to take it…I was then able to take steps and steps and steps forward. The answer is always in taking action.
To more steps ahead.
Written by Syirren Rose
