I Survived Lupus and Here's How I Did It (by Adrian Gopal)
A broken body, BUT NOT a broken spirit. Lupus (an autoimmune disease) nearly killed me and left me less physically able, but more mentally, emotionally, and spiritually resilient. At work, I was a top performer; selected for an accelerated leadership program; I had come back from being retrenched four times, a divorce, and losing my home. But nothing in all that I had experienced in the 44 years before could have prepared me for the mountain that I had to climb now.
Lupus crept up on me over a period of a year. First signs: sudden loss of strength in my legs, collapsing a few times while walking or standing at work, and bladder control problems. I was still going strong despite all these.
Started a new relationship, chased my career, and wrote two novels (which I was trying to get published). Then, suddenly, it all went downhill. My first admission to the hospital found the doctors baffled, guessing that it was a pinched nerve along my spine. Then it happened: I fell and couldn't stand up again, and had to be admitted for the second time. I only had the memory of calling my best friend and getting wheeled into the ambulance, and everything went south from there.
I was unconscious, and Lupus was attacking my spine, brain stem, and brain. I only found out after the fact, several months later, that I had spent days intubated in the ICU and was expected not to live past Easter Sunday. I was admitted to the ICU on Good Friday. I was now paralyzed from the chest down and bedridden.
From chasing crocodiles, sunrises, and sunsets, to flying all over the world and chasing my dreams of being a writer and having a successful career, everything now just came crashing down. It took me more than six months to begin to realize that my life's journey was now different. I wanted to go back to work, I wanted to be normal, but I couldn't. My life changed, but one thing didn't. I never knew how to fail, how to give up, or how to stop fighting. And it is this fighting spirit that has shone through all these years.
I did have many moments of self-doubt, anger, and hatred for life and my situation. I have had repeated cycles of depression, and I even had thoughts of ending things at my own hand, by my own choice. But each time, it was the focus of a promise that I made to my better half and myself - that as long as my brain is functioning and I am breathing, I will not stop fighting.
And I have not stopped fighting. If anyone thinks that the fight is only for a short period and then life goes on, the brutal truth is that the fight never stops. Any little trigger can trigger another cycle of rejection, self-doubt, and depression. I have managed to remain employed over the last four years, doing work effectively to the point where colleagues have had the impression that I was well again.
I have published one of my two novels and am working on several more. I am able to do all these things due to the support I have received from my partner, my family, and my friends. There have been many moments when I have fallen. In anger and desperation, I have thrown my medication and the things on my table on the floor.
When I was in the hospital, I spent many nights crying to myself, feeling totally helpless and ashamed of what was happening to me. I was unable to control my bowel and bladder functions, and I would often sit in urine and feces, feeling lost and cursed.
Even now, four years on, I still wake up and spend minutes coming to terms with my situation and preparing for the day. I have been bedridden for four years, suffering from constant chronic and acute pains daily, muscle spasms, headaches, UTIs, infections, and more. But I keep fighting. I can get through all these because I have created a routine, a habit, a structure. I empty my urine bag, clean myself, comb my hair, make my morning drink, say good morning to my partner and a group of friends, play a game on my phone to complete some daily tasks, and get ready to start work every day on time. All these have made me hold on to life and choose to live.
I am still chasing my dreams. I refuse to stop working, as it gives me focus and a connection to the world. I have published a book, and I am now working on two more - one on Lupus and my journey, which is ready and being proofed, soon to be published. I have set a path for my writing, and I am determined to achieve it. Despite all that has happened to me, I have come out stronger, calmer, and more driven. I still fiercely try to be as independent as I can, cutting my own hair and grooming myself as though I were still fully alive.
Overcoming adversities takes time, filled with ups and downs. Most importantly, it requires an unwavering refusal to surrender. Like any journey, there will be obstacles, but hold on to your anchors—promises, dreams, even the simple act of grooming yourself. Remember, even when illness limits the body, it doesn't mean you can't live fully. Find your reasons to fight. The strength and positivity they bring will ward off the shadows that illness casts. Reach out, keep your passions alive, and embrace life to its fullest potential.
